This luster glimmers on him in his sleep
This luster glimmers on him in his sleep.
A glowing from him when he lies at rest
Lights bed and bedroom all like torch flame deep
Within a Delphic cave, a burn he blessed
With breathing from the psyche of calm lungs,
A luminosity of beauty fills
The messy room. Here Pentecostal tongues
Speak need where tossed off, sweaty spills
Of shirt and pants and smelly trainer shoe
Ignore the light form quivering fire. His arm
Is flung above his head and if he knew
That I and heaven hovered near his charm,
It might grow even harder, longer in
His dreaming, pulsing through his thick-veined skin.
Line 3 is missing a beat, with nine syllables. Perhaps this is intentional, but if not . . . one could perhaps just insert a word to continue the first sentence, since it does relate to the following one. Instead of:
“Lights bed and bedroom. Like torch flame deep”
perhaps try
“Lights bed and bedroom as, like torch flame deep”
Thanks for helping me to improve this. I’ve settled on “Lights bed and bedroom all like torch flame deep”.