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I still remember writing words of love
On notes of vellum-colored paper, rich
And stiff as passion, smoother than a glove
Of silk so sleek it seemed no tidy stitch
Was needed. (What has tidiness to do
With steel desire?) I still recall the cards
Of creamy softness and the lines of blue
Professions in attempts to capture shards
Of what I felt. I still have souvenirs
Set down upon rice paper from a hand
That I adored and sent from atmospheres
Of trembling thought where sentiments expand.
..But now we write each other pulsing thrusts
…
…..In online leaps, enlarged screentime lusts.
I’m fine with the Alexandrine at the end (with the added sixth foot), of course. And I think the ninth line works fine too, even though there is a missing unstressed syllable in the pause between sentences here (so that the line does have only nine syllables, is a bit curtailed [or . . . syncopated?]:
“Of what I felt. I have souvenirs”
Would it be worsened if some single-syllable word or exhalation were added before that “I”?? Perhaps, yes? “O I have souvenirs . . .” ??? “Yes I have” . . . ??? Oh, well, . . . it’s an interesting poem very much in the Petrarchan themes tradition, writing about writing, and the technology of it, here. Could be something out of Spenser’s sequence, say, or . . .
I’ve rewritten the lines in question. Thank you for causing this opportunity. Petrarchan. Spenserian. I like to think of it is a universal experience of what happens in the history of a couple’s love life. Petrarch and Spenser tapped into that. A poet who has never even heard of them will in other times and cultures tap into it.